


How I Met My Super-Powered Asshole Boyfriend

by waitineedaname



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Dramatic Irony, Identity Reveal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Violence, Rambling Dorks Galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 13:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20508083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitineedaname/pseuds/waitineedaname
Summary: Dave hadn't expected to have to do any superhero shit that afternoon, and he sure as hell hadn't expected some random gray super to show up and help him out when shit got difficult. Who the hell was this guy, and why did they keep running into each other?





	How I Met My Super-Powered Asshole Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> this au wormed its way into my brain in like DECEMBER and I've been working on it on and off since then, so it's wild to finally be done with it!! superhero aus are my weakness and so is dramatic irony
> 
> fair warning idk fuckall about houston texas so if any houstonians find any errors then this is au houston where the thing I described is accurate dkljfdslkf

Dave had kind of hoped to avoid doing any hero shit that afternoon; Wednesdays were Dirk’s night to patrol, and Dave really needed to catch up on some schoolwork before swinging by Dirk’s place to join Rose and Roxy for a pre-patrol pizza night. But when the bank across the street got robbed, what was he supposed to do?

“Oh come on, a ski mask? Really? Could you be more cliché?” Dave said as soon as he entered the bank, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed and making a show of looking the robber over judgmentally, since they couldn’t see his face behind the mask. He’d found that feigning an air of calm usually threw people off long enough for him to glance around for civilians. There, huddled behind one of the other counters; he spotted a head of dark curly hair just before it ducked out of view. He kept rambling, keeping the armed robber’s attention on the Dave in front of him so he wouldn’t spot the Dave that appeared behind the other counter with the civilians.

The person attached to the dark hair jumped at the sudden sight of him, but Dave quickly motioned for him to be quiet. He glanced around the corner at the other Dave, still rambling. When he shifted focus between different Daves, that was pretty much the most the spare ones could do. He kept them in his periphery and looked back down at the civilian, a stocky young man around his own age. Dave looked around and found that there were other civilians gathered behind the counters, but this guy was the only one that wasn’t completely cowering. Okay, he could work with that.

“Can you do me a favor?” Dave whispered, and the guy nodded slowly. “I need you to get everyone out the back exit. I’ll keep him distracted, okay?”

The guy swallowed and nodded again. “But-” He started to say, but Dave had already jumped to his feet and replaced the Dave in front of the robber, wandering over to stand between him and the main vault. At this angle, focused on Dave, he wouldn’t be able to see the civilians sneaking out through the back.

“I mean, frankly, all of this reeks of rookie mistakes.” He said, picking up where the other Dave had been rambling. “Look at you, you’re just one guy with- what is that, just a pistol? Come on man, we live in Texas and that’s the scariest gun you’ve got? You can’t rob a bank all by yourself with  _ that _ .”

There was a noise behind him, and suddenly the robber looked way too smug. “I’m not.”

Before Dave could ask what the fuck that meant, the business end of a much scarier gun was pressed against the back of his head. Shit.

“Oh. So you do have a buddy. Cool. That’s cool.” He swallowed thickly when he heard the gun behind him cock.

“Shut up.” The first robber said. “Get on your knees.”

Dave slowly lowered to the ground and the gun pressed against the back of his head until he was forced to look at the floor. Shit. Shit shit shit. He couldn’t even put a Dave behind him to deal with this new asshole because he couldn’t see him. God dammit. This sucked.

He was still frantically attempting to figure out what the fuck to do when movement caught his eye. What the fuck-

Before any of them could register the newcomer in the room, the first robber had been body slammed into the stone floor. Dave used the distraction to spin around and tackle the guy behind him, wrestling the gun out of his hands. He grabbed the guy’s arms and forced them behind his back, effectively immobilizing him for the time being. He took a moment to get a better look at whoever the fuck had come to his rescue.

Whoever this guy was, Dave had never seen him in town before. His charcoal gray suit was only a few shades darker than his gray skin, and orange horns poked out of his hair. His eyes were bright yellow and when he bared his teeth and slammed the butt of one of his sickles into the robber’s head to knock him unconscious, Dave got a glimpse of fangs.

“Hey, thanks for the help, but who the fuck are you?” Dave asked. The guy glanced up at him and scowled.

“Can you handle this? I already pushed the panic button, the cops will be here soon.” He said, jerking his head towards the counters.

“Yeah, I got it, but seriously, who the fuck-”

“Great.” The guy climbed off the unconscious robber, and before Dave could do anything else, he’d slipped out the back exit.

\----

Dave arrived at Dirk’s house half an hour later than he’d planned and had to let himself in the door, as expected.

“Hey Hal, they upstairs or downstairs?” He asked, directing his question towards the ceiling.

Everyone is down in the lab. You’re missing out on the party, Dave. The gang’s all here already.

Dave ignored him and made his way down to the basement that Dirk had long since modified into a robotics lab. Rose spotted him first and waved with the hand that wasn’t holding pizza.

“Man, you guys ordered without me?” He complained, wandering over to the pizza box. “Gross, and you got Hawaiian? I’m like ten minutes late, and you all turn into monsters.”

“You can’t blame us for takin’ advantage of the chance to order it without your bitching.” Roxy said around a mouthful of pineapple. Dave stuck his tongue out at her. “Why were you late anyway?”

“I had to deal with a bank robbery, and then deal with the cops afterwards.” He grabbed a slice with a minimal amount of pineapple and hopped onto one of the slightly less cluttered countertops. “Though, honestly, it probably would’ve been fine without me. There was another super there.”

“Oh, yeah?” Roxy tilted her head curiously and Dirk glanced up from his computer.

“Is John in town or something? Normally he and the others text before they swing by.”

Dave shook his head, but Hal spoke up before he could explain himself.

This may come as a shock, Dirk, but people can have more than three friends. I know, surprising, I’ll give you a second to process this.

“Hal, you’re just  _ asking  _ to get put in sleep mode.”

Oh no, Dirk Strider is making another empty threat. Quick, everyone act surprised.

Dave, Rose, and Roxy all tried to hide their snickers, and Dirk rolled his eyes behind his glasses.

“Nah, it wasn’t John or any of the J-Crew. Some new guy.” Dave finally answered.

“A new super?” Rose perked up curiously. She always got interested when something new popped up that she didn’t predict. “What sort of powers?”

“Dunno. He had gray skin and horns though, looked pretty cool. He fucked off before I could really talk to him.”

“Hm.” She looked as pensive as one could while holding pizza, which, given the fact that she was  _ her _ , was decently pensive.

“I’ll keep a look out for him tonight. A new super in town could be trouble, even if he did help you.” Dirk wiped off his hands and went to get his suit.

“ _ Or _ it could be exciting. Not everything has to be treated like it’s gonna kill us.” Roxy countered, stealing his chair.

“Usually, everything  _ is  _ trying to kill us.”

“Can’t argue that.” She shrugged, picking up a loose screw off his desk and tossing it back and forth through a few portals absently. “Pretty sure we can handle a horny gray dude tho.”

Dave snorted and Rose let out a long suffering sigh as if she wasn’t also fighting a smirk. “ _ Phrasing _ , Roxy.”

“I said what I said.” Roxy grinned like the cat that got the cream.

“He better not be horny when I run into him.” Dirk said as he popped on his helmet.

What, you wouldn’t find that exciting? Hal’s tinny voice was now projected from Dirk’s helmet.

“We’re not talking about this.” Dirk said, ignoring their poorly stifled snickers again. “Look, I’ll just let you guys know if I see him.”

\----

Dirk didn’t run into him that night, and neither did any of the others for a whole week. Instead, Dave ran into the stocky man from the bank. It took every ounce of his limited self control and natural Striderian neutral face to not visibly react to seeing him - he was out of costume, so this guy would have no idea who he was - but luckily he wasn’t even paying attention. He was too busy alternating between making a face at the bus schedule and scowling at his phone to notice him. 

“Dude, are you good?” Dave asked after a few minutes of grumbling from the other guy. He snapped his head up and suddenly Dave was met with the full force of his scowl. Something about the expression was familiar but-

“Not unless you can somehow get Google Maps to fucking cooperate for once!” He snarled, though Dave got the impression that the anger was more directed at his phone than Dave himself. Dave shrugged.

“Nah, probably outside my skill set, but I could give you directions. Where you headed, man? You’ve been glaring at that bus schedule like if snubbed your promposal. You spent so much time on that damn thing, broke out the poster board and glitter glue and everything, sittin’ on the lunch table in front of everybody, and it laughed in your face and said it was already going with the train schedule which, we all know, is the jock of public transportation-”

“If I ask for directions, will you shut the fuck up?”

“Probably not, but it would be better than being lost and stuck with me, right?”

The guy rolled his eyes but showed him the address anyway. He was trying to get to a hotel across town and apparently had gotten all turned around during the day. 

“Hey, I know that place. I’m actually headed not too far from there, we’ll be getting off at the same stop.” Dave said, and the guy groaned.

“Great, I’ll be stuck with an idiot rambling about promposals for the next twenty minutes.”

“I promise I’ll mix it up. Got a whole repertoire of metaphors, ready and waiting for you, my man.” Dave winked. “Besides, at least it means you won’t get off at the wrong stop.”

“You know what, I think I’ll walk.” He said, but he didn’t make any move to leave. “Where the hell are you going, anyway?”

“Oh, I work down there. You ever need a killer Subway sandwich, I’m your guy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He snorted. 

“So what brings you to good ol’ Houston?” 

“I’m… visiting a friend.” His hesitation was barely noticeable, but Dave managed to catch it. Huh. That was weird, but it wasn’t any of his business.

“Been sightseeing yet?”

“Not really.”

“Dude, you gotta go to the museums.” Dave enthused, before jumping into a rambling story about the one time he went to the space center in fifth grade and almost got suspended for trying to climb the displays. It was clear the other guy was trying to hold back an amused smile by the end of it, and he immediately countered with “that’s fucking nothing. You’ll never believe the sheer brain-rotting stupidity I got up to when I was ten-”

They continued talking as they got on the bus, and Dave was embarrassed to admit he almost missed their stop because he’d been so wrapped up in their conversation. The guy was funny and easy to talk to despite his abrasive demeanor. He awkwardly thanked Dave for helping him get where he needed to go when they parted ways, and it wasn’t until Dave was walking into work that he realized he hadn’t gotten his name.

\----

The gray super from the bank finally reappeared a few days later, and Dave was completely unprepared for him. In fact, he was taken completely off guard by the whole situation. He’d never been  _ mugged  _ before.

Some part of his mind said he probably deserved it for walking through a dangerous part of town with his headphones on late at night, but it was still startling when he was suddenly shoved roughly into an alleyway and faced with a pair of scary looking guys with knives.

“Empty your pockets, kid.” One of them growled.

“Hey man, all you’re gonna get is some gum that’s probably melted and, like, a coupon for Michael’s. I’m a starving art student, dog. You and me, we’re in the same boat except we don’t have any life vests and the paddle got chewed off by a shark. Just the three of us, adrift in the big blue, gettin’ sea crazy, and it ain’t long before  _ one  _ of us starts looking real tasty-” He rambled, sizing the two of them up behind his shades. If he could knock over the guy on his left, he could focus on the big guy-

Three things happened at once.

One: the one who’d be brandishing his knife with the most vigor lunged for him.

Two: Dave ducked just out of his way, thanking the universe for his quick reflexes.

Three: a brightly colored and vaguely familiar sickle hooked around the guy’s wrist and knocked the knife away.

Both the muggers and Dave whirled around to face the newcomer just as he punched the now knifeless mugger in the face. The other mugger shouted in surprise and Dave took the opportunity to kick his legs out from under him. The horned guy grabbed him as he fell and chucked him out of the alley, grabbing the guy he’d just punched and giving him the same treatment.

“Don’t you assholes have something better to do?” He said, towering over them on the ground. When they didn’t answer, staring up at him with what looked a whole lot like fear from Dave’s viewpoint, he full on  _ growled.  _ Holy  _ fuck. _ That was enough to make the pair scramble away.

“Goddamn, dude. You know, I’ve never really bought into the whole tall, dark, and handsome shtick, but tall, dark, and growly sure is quite a combo.” Dave’s mouth took off without his consent, and he grimaced as soon as he said it. “Fuck, that was weird, I’m sorry, I promise I’m not hitting on you because that’s super out of line and definitely not the tone I should be setting, I just, fuckin’. Ramble when I’m nervous.”

“Only when you’re nervous?” The guy said dryly, turning back to face him.

“Wow, okay, you didn’t have to kill me with fuckor, asshole. How dare you expose me as a serial rambler right here in public like that. The rats digging around in this dumpster here didn’t need to know that about me. I could have made a good impression, but you ruined it, dude. I don’t even know your name, and you’re out here calling me out on a molecular level.”

“I’m sure you’ll survive.” He rolled his eyes and whoa, hey, they glowed in the dark. The temptation to pop out his contacts and go “hey, same hat!” was extremely strong, but Dave managed. “And it’s Iron Knight.”

“What is?” Dave asked, having already forgotten most of what he just said.

“My name, fucknuts. Look, are you alright? I’ve got other shit to do.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for your help Mister Knight Dude.” 

Iron Knight nodded and gave him a once over before climbing up the fire escape behind him and disappearing onto the rooftops.

Dave made sure to have his headphones off the rest of the way home.

\----

Working at a quick service restaurant was mind numbing work. Yeah, it paid the bills and was generally less infuriating than working at Walmart, but  _ fuck _ was it boring, especially when it was slow. The lunch rush was over and he was starting to internally assign personalities to the lettuce and olives - or maybe not as internally as he thought, if the annoyed look his cashier was sending him meant anything. One of these days he was going to spontaneously develop a brain-to-mouth filter, but today was not that day, it seemed.

The bell on the door rang, and Dave perked up at the sight of the customer. “Oh shit!” He said, ignoring the fact that his irritated coworker was definitely gonna narc on him for swearing on the job. “You actually took my recommendation!”

The grumpy guy from the bus and bank grimaced at him. “You know what, I changed my mind, I’m actually going to go somewhere else-”

“Noooooooo,” Dave draped himself over the glass protecting the sandwich ingredients from people doing exactly what he was doing, “Come on man, they’ll dock my pay if they find out I keep scaring off customers.”

“Are you sure that’s the only reason they dock your pay?” The guy snarked back, walking up to the counter anyway. 

“Probably not, yelling ‘fuck’ when I drop a bottle of lite mayo on my foot isn’t exactly putting me in the running for employee of the month.” Dave admitted, smiling when that earned him a snort. 

“For some reason I’m not surprised.”

“You know me too well.” Dave joked.

“I actually know fuck all about you, you’re just painfully predictable. I don’t even know your goddamn name.” The man complained, and Dave raised a judgmental eyebrow, tapping his nametag. “Oh. Right.”

“Yeah. It takes one to not know one, dude. You got a name, or should I just keep referring to you as grouchy bus dude?”

“That’s a remarkably uncreative nickname, and I’m insulted.” He said, pulling back his lip in something between a sneer and a snarl. “It’s Karkat.”

“Well, Karkat, formerly known as directionally-challenged human Grumpy Cat-” Dave pretended to tip a hat that wasn’t there, and Karkat seemed to not know if he wanted to scowl or laugh, “How’s Houston treatin’ you? You gone to any museums yet?”

“I have, actually.” He said, leaning against the display of chips along the counter. “I was surprised I didn’t see your face on a big ‘do not allow inside’ sign.”

“They can’t ban me if they can’t catch me.” Dave grinned.

“Right, of course, I forgot I was talking to an experienced buffoon that makes a habit of causing scenes in museums.” Karkat rolled his eyes.

“Hey man, at least two of those stories I told you were because my brother dared me to do it.”

“Remind me to kick your brother’s ass if I ever make the mistake of meeting him.”

Dave briefly let himself imagine Karkat trying to fight Dirk, and he snorted. “Good fucking luck, dude. Anyway, you gonna order or what?”

“Uh, yeah, can I get a six-inch BLT on… herbs and cheese.”

“You want that toasted?”

“What kind of fucking animal do you think I am? Yes, I want that toasted.”

Dave popped the sandwich into the toaster. “What kinda other toppings do you want?”

“Whatever you would normally get.” Karkat shrugged.

“Bro. For real? You’re gonna let me pick out your whole goddamn sandwich? Hold on, I need to bask in the sheer honor you’re bestowing upon me. I could just drown this thing in buffalo sauce and you wouldn’t be able to say shit. You’re putting your life in my hands, dude.”

“I’m pretty sure nothing sold at  _ Subway  _ is going to kill me.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Just make the sandwich before I regret this more than I already do.”

“Already on it.” Dave said, pulling the sandwich out and started to dress it. “Seriously, I’m honored to be deemed worthy of deciding what you get to eat. Does something about me scream ‘best damn sandwich maker this side of the Mississippi’? Because that’s the truth, don’t let my manager tell you otherwise.”

“No, I just made the mistake of thinking you might have enough brain cells to rub together to know what tastes good, but I’m beginning to second guess that assumption since apparently your braincase is fucking empty.”

“Hey man, don’t knock my skills till you try it. If this isn’t the best sandwich you’ve ever eaten, I’ll- I actually don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t think I can give you your money back, and I don’t really have any cash on me.” Dave said as he started ringing him up. His coworker that had been manning the cash register had moved down the counter to help a new customer that had wandered in. Karkat was eyeing the bagged sandwich with suspicion.

“A tragedy.” He said flatly.

“I guess I could buy you another lunch some other time.” Dave’s mouth said without his permission. Karkat raised an eyebrow and Dave panicked. “Ah shit, I really gotta get better about these accidental come-ons, I didn’t mean-”

“How about this,” Karkat sounded just as annoyed as he always did, but Dave thought he might have spied a bit of a grin on his face as he grabbed the receipt and scribbled something on it, “I’ll text you my comprehensive review of the sandwich, and if it ends up tasting any better than simply ‘adequate’, I’ll buy you coffee.”

Dave stared owl-eyed at the number written on the receipt shoved back his way. “I- Uh. Yeah! I mean, I’m more of a chai latte guy myself, but, y’know, I’ll take whatever you’re offerin’- which, I’m realizing, sounds like I’m tryna make another come on, but I swear my intentions are pure of heart, I’m all kinds of down for a coffee date- or platonic coffee times, whatever, you can decide the tone, I really am down for anything-”

“Just shut up and help your next customer, dumbass.” Karkat jerked his thumb at the other person waiting for their sandwich to be rung up. Dave scrambled to apologize for the inconvenience, and Karkat left with a short huff of laughter and a shake of his head. Dave surreptitiously slid the receipt with his number on it into his back pocket.

Fucking  _ score _ .

\----

Dave didn’t really  _ enjoy  _ fighting criminals. Getting guns turned on him, the jarring echoes sent down his spine when the hand to hand combat got a little too fast? Not fun.

But he definitely would take a low profile robbery to disaster relief any day.

Fires  _ sucked _ . Fires especially sucked when they were in tall apartment buildings with questionable infrastructure. He hated the screaming, the panic, the seeming futility of human effort against the raw power of nature. Fire plus crumbling wood equals a not fun time. 

But this was his job. And he had to do it.

Dave plunged into the building, thankful not for the first time that Dirk and Roxy had made sure to make all their suits out of materials that were at least somewhat fire resistant. The fire department was still blocks away and at this time of day, the traffic would be hell to navigate, so he needed to get as many civilians out of the building as he could. Most of the people in the lower floors had managed to rush outside at this point, but the building was crumbling  _ fast _ . He made sure to have at least one double on every floor, and splitting his focus that much was making him a little dizzy, but ‘protect and guide people to safety’ was kind of a default state for him, so it didn’t take too much brain power. 

He was a few floors from the top when he heard a woman crying out for help, followed by the chorus of a bunch of crying children. His heart jumped into his throat and he dropped a double down the hall, shifting his primary focus to that Dave while the first one continued dashing upstairs. 

“Hello?” He called out, trying to identify exactly what door it had come from. 

“Help us! The ceiling fell down, we’re trapped!” The woman cried out again, and Dave ran to her door. He rattled the handle, but it was far too hot, even through his suit’s gloves. He took a step back, gauging the strength of the wood versus his own, when he felt another presence at his shoulder. 

“Keep away from the door!” Iron Knight yelled through the door.

“When the fuck did you get here?” Dave asked, bewildered, but the other super just sent him a glare and slammed his shoulder through the door. The hinges broke against his weight, and the two of them ran into the room together. Dave spotted the woman and her children immediately and found she hadn’t been lying; there were massive flaming beams of wood blocking their way out.

“Photocopy!” yelled the woman, apparently recognizing Dave in his suit. If she was confused by Iron Knight’s presence, she didn’t mention it. He sent a double by their sides, getting rid of the one next to Iron Knight.

“Are you guys okay?” He asked, crouching to be eye level with the two small children. They nodded, clutching at their mother, though the younger of the two was wailing loudly. “I’m gonna get you out of here, alright? Don’t worry about it.” He looked around to find a way to make good on his promise and caught the attention of Iron Knight, who had been sizing up the beams of wood from the other side. 

“I think I can lift these if you can run them through.” Iron Knight said, stepping closer to them, grimacing when a flame licked out at his face.

“Dude. It’s on  _ fire _ , are you sure?”

Iron Knight snorted. “Trust me. Just worry about them.”

Dave hesitated, then nodded. He scooped up the older child, and the mother followed suit with the younger one. “Ready?”

Iron Knight didn’t answer, instead grabbing the main beam and hefting it over his shoulders. It opened up a fire-free space with just enough room for Dave and the woman to spring through, which they did. They bolted out and towards the stairs, Dave still clutching the kid close to him. He did his best to not remember when he was in these kids’ exact situation. He was older than them, sure, but with the taste of smoke in his mouth, it was hard not to remember Dirk’s hand on his wrist, yanking him down the metric fuckton of stairs in their old apartment.

He left a double by Iron Knight in the hallway and shifted his focus to that one since the mother and her children were mostly under control now. He took a moment to poke his consciousness out at the other Daves running around and found one of them feeling a little overwhelmed a couple floors above with another person trapped under rubble. He grabbed Iron Knight’s wrist (which was much larger than his own. The dude was built like a tank. Hoo boy. Focus, Dave) and tugged him towards the stairs. 

“Come on,” He said, ignoring Iron Knight’s apparent surprise, “We’ve got more work to do.”

The two of them seemed to make a good team as they continued to work their way through the building. Iron Knight was significantly stronger than him, and he seemed to have some kind of special endurance or something. It seemed to pain him to grab things that were on fire, but not nearly as much as it would hurt Dave. He would move barriers out of the way, and Dave and his doubles would grab people and help them to safety, as well as running ahead to spot threats. Before too long, they’d gotten as high as they could without running into an area that was completely crumbling, and they could hear fire truck sirens outside. Dave looked around for a way out and jerked his head towards a window.

“Hey,” He grabbed Iron Knight’s attention, “Think if you break that window, you can jump to the building next door?”

“Worth a shot.” Iron Knight shrugged, then punched the window open. Dave took the opportunity to drop a Dave on the adjacent building’s fire escape. Of course  _ that _ building had a fire escape, but the one on fire didn’t. Figures. Iron Knight grimaced, then took a running jump out the window. He just barely made it onto the fire escape, but Dave caught his hand and hauled him to his feet with the help of three other Daves. “Thanks.” Iron Knight grunted, and Dave nodded.

“We should probably get as far from the fire as we can. If you think the smoke is bad now, it’s gonna suck once they start spraying it.” Dave suggested, already climbing higher on the neighboring building. He and Iron Knight made it onto the roof and went to the far corner where the smoke wasn’t quite so oppressive. Again, for what felt like the millionth time, Dave forced himself not to dwell on the oppressive heat and the memories it threatened to resurface. He instead tugged the bottom of his mask up and over his mouth and nose, still covering his eyes. Iron Knight immediately looked scandalized.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Tryna get a breath of fresh air, dude. The smell of smoke is gonna take forever to get out of this suit, lemme tell you.” He should know. Nope, not thinking about it.

“You can’t just take your mask off in front of strangers, you lunatic!”

“Bro, come on, I’m not taking the whole mask off. What the fuck is my mouth gonna tell you about my identity, huh? Oh, surprise, Photocopy is one of the like 200,000 black men in Houston, Texas. That really narrows shit down.” Dave rolled his eyes, even though those were still firmly hidden. “Besides, we’re barely strangers at this point. This is the second time you’ve helped me out, man. What’s your story? What’s your name?” He added to avoid awkward questions about why he knew his name.

“My name,” He said with his characteristic snarl, “is Iron Knight. And my ‘story’ is none of your fucking business.”

“Alright, nice to meet you, Iron Knight, I’m Photocopy.” He sat down and leaned against the ledge bordering the roof. “So you’re just a random new superhero setting up shop in a town that already had a group of supers protecting it? Thought ‘hey, might as well help out with bank robberies and fires’?”

“I said it’s none of your business.” Iron Knight growled, sitting down a short distance away from him. Dave shrugged.

“I’m just sayin’, you could’ve at least called ahead. We could’ve worked you into the patrolling schedule, split the days up like we’re a divorced couple and the city of Houston is our kid caught in the middle, but instead of figurin’ out who takes the kid to soccer practice, we’re splitting up crime fighting duty.”

Iron Knight grimaced. “God, and I thought you were annoying in the bank.”

“Hey, you wouldn’t believe how much success I’ve had deterring baddies by just talkin’ their ears off. For some reason, they don’t want to hear my super insightful and hilarious thoughts.”

Iron Knight rolled his eyes. “I can’t imagine why.”

“Right? They’re really missing out on some quality shit.” That earned him a snort, and Iron Knight stood again, peering over the side of the building.

“I think they’ve got things under control now. Do you still need one of your doubles down there?”

“Oh shit, I forgot he was there.” Dave focused for a moment, and the double that was checking on all the rescued civilians took a step away, gave the people he was just talking to a wave, and then popped out of existence. He took a moment to adjust himself to only being in his own head for a second. “Thanks man.”

Iron Knight nodded. “You don’t need anything else, right? I’ve got other shit to do today.”

“Yeah, I’m cool, don’t let me hold you up. I’ll see you around, right?”

“Chances are unfortunately high.” Iron Knight rolled golden eyes and Dave grinned at him. 

“Cool. See you around, dude.”

Iron Knight nodded and clambered down the fire escape, disappearing from sight. Dave gave him a moment so as not to crowd him, and then started making his way away from the scene too. Maybe if he made enough puppy eyes at Rose, she’d let him throw his suit in her laundry…

\----

“What the fuck am I looking at.”

“This,” Dave gestured with a dramatic flourish, “is the Refried Bean.”

Karkat continued to stare at the gigantic, vaguely pill shaped steel structure. His confused expression was distorted and reflected back at him like a fun-house mirror, and Dave had to try not to laugh. “That cannot possibly be what it’s called.”

“Alright, you got me, it’s called the Cloud Column, but that’s pretentious as fuck, and also fuck Anish Kapoor.” Dave bonked Karkat’s shoulder playfully, careful not to make him spill the coffee in his hands. When Karkat had finally texted him his in-depth review of his sandwich, his conclusion was that it was “acceptable.” That wasn’t more than adequate, so he wasn’t buying him coffee, but he invited him out to split coffee instead as a compromise. Dave offered to show him around Houston, which led to their arrival at Dave’s favorite useless piece of public art. “I can’t call myself a proper art student without showing you the most boring sculpture imaginable. I mean, I’m no statue dude, I’m majorin’ in photography, but still, it’s the principle, you feel me?”

“Anish Kapoor.” Karkat frowned. “Why do I know that name?”

“He’s just some pretentious art guy. There was that whole Vantablack thing, if you heard about that? And he made the Bean in Chicago.” The seemed to catch Karkat’s attention.

“You’re fucking kidding. He made  _ that  _ piece of shit?”

“Uh, yeah? Why, do you have some personal rivalry against legume shaped public art?”

“Oh, only that I had to see that stupid fucking thing every goddamn day! It’s a gross waste of space and metal! Do you know how many times I was late to work because I had to walk through throngs of tourists ooing and awing over a gigantic oblong piece of garbage? I’ve made shits that were more aesthetically pleasing than that hunk of scrap metal!”

“Bro,” Dave said, surprised, “Are you from Chicago? How did I not know that?”

“Because it wasn’t fucking important?”

“I guess not.” Dave shrugged. “That’s a long way to travel though. Why’d you say you were down here again?”

“I’m visiting a friend.” Karkat snapped, shoulders hunching up.

“Have they been showin’ you around? You gotta let me know where you’ve been around town so I don’t show you the same shit twice.”

“He hasn’t been available.” Karkat said, his voice clipped. Dave shot him a look, but Karkat was determinedly not look at him, his mouth a tight line. Hm. Touchy.

“Well damn, just text me any time you’re itching to get out of the hotel room or something, I’ve lived here my whole life so I basically know it inside and out.” Dave said, starting to lead Karkat in the direction of the rest of the sculpture garden and attempting to shift the conversation away from the apparently uncomfortable topic. “Like this place, I hang out here all the time. My professors are probably sick of seein’ these sculptures in my projects, but eh, they make good subjects. Like this dude.” He tugged Karkat over to another abstract piece made of stainless steel. “What the fuck even  _ is  _ this.”

Karkat looked at the  _ Two Circle Sentinel _ like it had personally offended him. “Why. Why the fuck do people make shit like this. Why do people pay so much money to  _ buy  _ it?”

“Fuck if I know, dude. I’ve never been good at interpreting art. My go-to answer is usually ‘they were trying to prank society’, which is honestly right more often than it isn’t, but,” Dave trailed off and shrugged, “I dunno. It’s why I do photography not, y’know, painting or whatever. I know how to make something look good in a frame or whatever and get all the right lighting and shit, but I dunno what to do with the whole  _ meaning  _ behind stuff.”

Karkat looked at him for a moment, then lifted his chin in a challenge. “Alright, if you’re such a master fucking photographer, make this shit look good.”

Part of Dave wanted to protest that he never claimed to be a master photographer, he’s really only ¾ of a bachelor one at this point, but that would mean admitting defeat, so he pursed his lips and eyed the sculpture. “...Alright. Stay put.” He walked a few paces back, still sizing up the sculpture as he opened his camera app. Karkat turned to watch him, a hand on his hip and his almost empty coffee dangling from his other hand at his side. “Hold that pose.” Dave instructed, crouching down a small distance away. He took a moment to adjust the focus, snapped the photo, then bounced to his feet. “How’s this look?”

Karkat walked over and peered over his arm to see the result. Karkat loomed in the foreground of the photo, the sculpture almost making his shadow behind him. He’d managed to catch the light reflecting off the metal in such a way that half of Karkat’s face was obscured, making the half that was visible seem even more severe. Honestly, in lighting like this, he kinda looked like-

“I suppose you’re not completely abhorrent.” Karkat said, distracting him from wherever that train of thought was going.

“Shit, dude, thanks.” Dave tried his hardest to sound sarcastic, but he really was preening at what seemed to be a big compliment from Karkat. 

“Don’t let it go to your head.” Karkat warned. “You clearly need more practice.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Dave rolled his eyes, then shot Karkat a bit of a smile. “Wanna be my guinea pig? There are all these sculptures for you to pose on, and I’ve got a project comin’ up anyway. I could take a shit ton of pictures, and you could use them for Instagram or whatever.”

Karkat squinted at him suspiciously. “This isn’t for some shitawful project where you have to take pictures of hideous models, is it?”

“What? No, dude, what the fuck. Do you have any idea how many complaints they’d get if people found out that’s the kind of program they were doing? No, I just think you’d make a good model, goddamn.”

Karkat continued to stare him down, then finally sighed and relented. “Fine, whatever. You’re wrong, but fine. Just send them all to me and don’t submit any that I don’t approve of, got it?”

“Hell yeah man, you got it. Now go sit on that horse statue.”

\----

“So how does this patrol shit work?”

“Well,” Dave tapped his ear, leaning against the air-conditioning unit on the roof he and Iron Knight were perched on, “I’ve got this earbud thing that’s scanning police channels and those alarm systems that automatically call the cops and stuff,” Hal would be insulted to hear one of his splinters simplified so much, but lucky for Dave, the earbud didn’t have a mic through which Hal could listen and give him shit, “So all I gotta do is listen to that and stroll the rooftops, keeping an eye out.”

Iron Knight looked skeptical. “That’s it?”

“Yeah dog. We’re lucky enough to not have, like, any supervillains or mob families causing shit around here.” He paused and reconsidered his words. “Well there is that weird murderclown that started causing shit a couple months ago, but it seems like he’s gone back into hiding, so.” Dave shrugged. A flicker of… something went across Iron Knight’s face, but it disappeared as quickly as Dave had noticed it.

“Alright. Are we gonna do this shit or just stand on the rooftop like a bunch of tools for the rest of the night?”

“I mean, we can if you’re really itchin’ for that.” Dave said, pushing off the A/C unit anyway. The agreement to patrol together was a new one; they were beginning to realize their schedules lined up, and after teaming up on half a dozen different occasions through pure circumstance, they decided to make it official. 

They walked along the rooftops for a handful of blocks, one of Dave’s doubles poking around on the other side of the street. Iron Knight had to take a running jump to get to each new rooftop, and he complained that Dave’s “bullshit teleportation fuckery” made him a “cheating asslicker that’s avoiding actual work.” Dave was about to argue and correct him when something actually crackled in through his earpiece. 

“Shit, we got something!” He told Iron Knight, already taking off in the direction of the alarm. Iron Knight was somewhat lost in the dust behind him, his longer legs and stamina not quite enough to keep up with Dave’s “bullshit teleportation” allowing him to skip to the other side of a rooftop without actually having to run there. He dropped down in front of the store and pushed open the door, the jingling of the bell alerting the robbers to his presence, only for them to face an empty doorway.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people?” He said, from the back of the store, trying not to laugh as they all whirled around. “No, for real, who the fuck robs a pet store? I’d call y’all animals, but that’s an insult to all these charming lil guys. I mean, just look at this dude.” He said, pointing to a slightly panicked rabbit still in its enclosure. “He’d never rob anybody because he’s actually got a soul.”

The group of robbers seemed to get their bearings, and a few of them lunged for him. Dave ducked out of the way of their first attack, popping a double behind one of them and thwacking him in the head with one of the batons he carried on patrols. He didn’t  _ like  _ carrying a weapon, but Dirk insisted. He continued talking like nothing was happening, dancing out of the way of their blows and cracking another guy over the head. “Seriously, I’m like wracking my brains trying to figure out your rationale here. Pet stores don’t make that much money, do they?”

“You’d be surprised,” replied a familiar, raspy voice, followed by the sound of someone being thrown into the wall with a  _ thunk _ . Hell yeah, Iron Knight finally caught up, “Chinchillas are fucking expensive.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dave said, amused that the two of them were carrying on a conversation about the cost of pets while fighting the group of robbers. He struck one of them in the middle of his weird clown mask, disorienting him. “You got a chinchilla, man?”

“Hell no. I can barely keep up on the upkeep of my hermit crabs.” One of the goons actually managed to get their act together enough to remember to shoot at them, but Iron Knight took the arm wound with only an annoyed grunt. Dave tried not to panic at the sight of his ally bleeding.

“You know, I ain’t even surprised. You seem like the kind of dude that’d get all anal about taking care of some kind of tiny critter.”

“How dare you act like proper pet care is an insult, fuck you.” Iron Knight thunked the last robber in the head with the butt of his sickle, and Dave grabbed a handful of leashes.

“C’mere, lemme tie them up. It’ll be like fuckin’ Christmas when the cops finally show up, like ‘look, all these criminals all tied in a pretty little bow on the doorstep, you don’t have to do shit.’” Dave said, pulling a few of the unconscious robbers together to tie their wrists together. Iron Knight shoved a few others over to him, and Dave and his doubles made quick work of tying them up.

“Are you okay?” Iron Knight asked the shopkeeper that had been cowering behind the counter. “Why were these fuckers even after you? This seems like overkill for a pet store robbery.”

“I mean, the chinchillas  _ are  _ expensive…” The shopkeeper faltered before sighing and shaking his head, “I can’t say I know why they were here, I’m sorry. I think they were just trying to scare us.” 

Dave stared down at the unconscious and woozy goons. It was likely that they were just wearing whatever random masks they found in a costume store, but more than a couple of them were wearing clown masks…

“Yo, Iron Knight,” He said, drawing the other super’s attention to him, “I think we might be fucked.”

\----

Dave liked dusk. The soft color of the sky and the more subdued feeling of the city as everyone got settled after work or made their ways to dinner.

Or maybe his opinion of dusk was a little skewed because he was in a good mood. Either way, he enjoyed walking side by side with Karkat after one of their dates-maybe-not-dates. Dave had dragged him to an arcade Roxy used to take him and Rose to all the time, and they’d exhausted themselves by shouting at video games with sticky controls until they eventually ran out of coins and had to leave. Karkat’s hotel wasn’t too far away and the weather was nice, so Dave offered to walk him home, which led to where their current state, ambling down the sidewalk, just barely brushing shoulders. 

“Why do you always wear those sunglasses?” Karkat asked, breaking the companionable silence. Dave must’ve been visibly surprised because Karkat attempted to elaborate. “It’s not sunny anymore, and you were wearing them in the arcade too.”

Dave hummed an affirmative and kicked lightly at one of the pebbles on the sidewalk. “Habit, I guess? I’ve kinda always worn ‘em. Light sensitivity and migraines runs in the family, and I’ve always had it worse than my brothers did-slash-do. It’s just easier to wear them all the time than having to put them on whenever I walk outside or use my phone or the computer or something.” He didn’t add that it helped disguise the slight red glow that his colored contacts couldn’t hide when he dropped a double somewhere.

“Did?” Karkat asked, then immediately looked like he regretted it. “Wait, shit, that’s invasive, I’m so fucking stupid, ignore me-”

“Nah, it’s cool.” Dave shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant despite the tension that always settled itself in him when his eldest brother was mentioned. “He’s been dead a while. Big fire in our shitty old apartment building. Dirk and I got out, but he didn’t make it. Got trapped when the ceiling fell in or something.” He forced down the guilt rising in his gut. It wasn’t his fault, but the what if’s still ate at him. “He was an asshole anyway. Always beating on me and Dirk. Mostly Dirk because he’s a little older than I am, but soon as I was old enough to hold as sword, I was strifing.”

“Jesus…” Karkat said, looking vaguely sick. He added, eloquently, “That’s a load of steaming horseshit.”

“Hah. Yeah, it was. But like I said, it’s cool. We’re going on like nine years since he beefed it, and therapy fucking rules, so it’s all good, don’t worry about it.” Dave gently bonked Karkat with his shoulder, aiming to change the topic. “You got any family? I feel like I’m always talking about Dirk and my cousins and stuff, but you’re still a goddamn enigma.” 

“Maybe I want to be a mystery, did you ever consider that, dickbrain?” He bonked Dave back, then groaned when Dave bonked him with enough force to make him stumble. “Fine, okay, god. I don’t really have much family. My parents died when I was young.”

“Oh. Shit. Sorry, Kat.”

Karkat shrugged him off. “My friend’s parents took me in. I guess… what I lacked in an extensive family, I made up for in my friend group.”

“Is that the friend you’re visiting here?” Dave pried in a way he hoped was subtle. Karkat had been evasive about the details of that particular friend up until this point. Karkat snorted.

“Fuck no. No, if I was visiting Kanaya, I would’ve seen her by now.” He muttered bitterly.

“You still haven’t seen him? That’s fucked up dude, you’ve been here for ages. Is he avoiding you or something?”

“Or something.” Karkat grimaced and fell into a heavy silence for a moment. “Have you ever had a big falling out with your friends?”

“Er… Not really.” Dave said apologetically. “My only main friend group or whatever is my cousin and some friends we met online, and we’ve stayed pretty tight.”

“Well we did.” Karkat sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Maybe it was inevitable since there were so fucking many of us. I mean, you get twelve of the biggest, most temperamental assholes together, I guess you’re going to get some drama. And let me tell you, it was fucking catastrophic.”

“So… you’re trying to meet up with him to, what, make up or something?”

“I just want to talk to him.” Karkat said, defeated. “I want to figure out why-... why he did what he did. He was my best friend, the horrible brain-dead piece of shit.”

Dave was quiet for a second, absently noticing that they were almost at Karkat’s hotel. “Do you ever worry he’s just not gonna talk to you? Like, no offense, but he kind of sounds like an asshole.”

“Oh, he’s an asshole alright. But…” Karkat let out a frustrated sigh. “I have to try.”

“Well, I’m not gonna complain if it means you stick around. I mean, who would I have to kick my ass at Street Fighter if you give up and leave?” He teased, stopping outside Karkat’s hotel. Karkat snorted.

“I’m sure you’d find somebody. A goddamn eight year old could beat you by sneezing on the controls.”

“Ouch. Dude, you’re really gonna do that to my fragile pride? What the fuck. Maybe I sucked so much because I was distracted by the handsome dude next to me, huh? Ever think about that?”

“What handsome du- Oh I see.” Karkat rolled his eyes, but his smile was unmistakable. “I bet you think you’re some smooth piece of shit, don’t you.”

“Oh shit, did you think I was talking about you? No, I was talking about that dude that was playing that racing game next to us. You know, the one who smelled like spilled beer? Oh man, that’s real embarrassing dude, I can’t believe you thought I’d be talking about you.” Dave pretended to act all embarrassed on his behalf, taking half a step away, but Karkat saw right through his act.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a disgusting disgrace that no one could ever be attracted to, tell me something I don’t know.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“Wait, what? No, dude-”

“I’m kidding, idiot. Well, not entirely, but you’re a shitawful liar.”

“Oh.” Dave took a step closer again, and Karkat looked at him with an expression between amusement and annoyance. 

“Look, I really should get going.”

“Yeah, I should too. This was fun though if you wanna do it again some time…?” He offered hesitantly. Karkat’s face screwed up.

“I guess that wouldn’t be a totally abhorrent way to spend my time.” Karkat visibly hesitated, then leaned forward to gently peck Dave’s lips. Before Dave could even realize what just happened, he was backing away towards the hotel’s front doors. “Uh. Bye.” He said before disappearing inside, embarrassment written on his face.

Dave definitely didn’t gape after him like a fool. Nope. He was totally chill and cool about being kissed on the lips by his maybe-crush. 

\----

Dave crept towards the warehouse as stealthily as he could. He’d warned the others about a possibility of that asshole clown showing up again and him maybe orchestrating other groups of people in clown masks causing mayhem. Up until now, it had seemingly just been unconnected groups of muggers and robbers in clown masks, but Hal had finally picked up on intel connecting them to this warehouse, perhaps as a base of operations. It looked… pretty barren, but that didn’t necessarily rule it out. Dave was just here as recon to check out if Hal’s sources were right. Roxy normally took their recon missions, but she and Dirk had a big project at the lab coming up, so Dave was picking up her slack. Sure, he couldn’t turn invisible like she could, but his doubles made him fast as hell, and he knew how to sneak quietly.

He heard a crunch in the gravel across the parking lot. Apparently not everyone was as quiet as he was. He squinted at the dark figure lurking a distance away. That… didn’t look like a clown. Actually, it looked a hell of a lot like-

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing here?” He said, dropping a double beside Iron Knight. The man made a noise like a scream that was strangled in his throat at the last second.

“Photocopy! Jesus fuck, why would you sneak up on me like that?! I could have killed you!” He whisper-shouted, gesturing with one of his brightly colored sickles. 

“Oh yeah, I’m gonna announce my presence super loudly outside of this sketchy warehouse. That definitely won’t lure out ten million clowns hellbent on massacring me. Great plan, I’ll do that right now-” He started to pretend to stand up, but Iron Knight grabbed his shoulder and kept him down before he could complete the movement.

“You fucking imbecile, stay down! You’ll get us both killed!”

“Yeah, no shit, dumpass. So back to my first question: what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for someone.” Iron Knight said, snatching his hand away from Dave’s shoulder. He looked towards the entrance of the warehouse again, and Dave could see anxiety in his strange, inhuman eyes. 

“...Murderclown?” He hazarded. Iron Knight’s head snapped over to him.

“How the fuck did you know?”

“I have my sources. Is he here tonight?”

“...He should be.”

Dave nodded and peered over at the lifeless building. “Well I’m just here for recon. Casing the joint to see if we need to take out a bigger danger, y’know. We could maybe back each other up.” He could practically hear Dirk’s voice in the back of his head telling him not to trust this random other super checking out the Murderclown’s possible base of operations, telling him he could just as easily be working for the clowns, but, well. He felt like he knew Iron Knight at this point. They’d worked together for a couple months at this point, if he was planning to screw him over, he would have done it by now. Even still, he had to ask, “I can trust you to back me up, right?”

The way Iron Knight’s eyes softened answered his question before he even spoke. “Of fucking course you can trust me. Who do you think I am?”

“Cool.” Dave slapped his shoulder and pointed to a side door. “I was gonna go in through there, follow me.”

The two crept over to the door, keeping to the shadows. He tested the handle, and both he and Iron Knight tensed when it was unlocked. Not a  _ great  _ sign. Dave let Iron Knight push in front of him, knowing by now that he could see much better in the dark than Dave could. And dark it was, holy shit. The place was just as creepy as he had expected, chains and crates looming out of the shadows and everything eerily silent. Hal had been certain there were people in here, it shouldn’t be so damn quiet…

“Wait.” Iron Knight whispered, reaching back and grabbing Dave’s arm. “Did you hear that?”

“No?” He whispered back, and Iron Knight hushed him. They waited in silence, and Dave heard it that time. There was no mistaking that “HONK.” Terror flashed across Iron Knight’s face, and Dave didn’t have time to react before Iron Knight was pushing him away as the crate they’d been hiding behind shattered, the juggling club breaking through it like it was made of toothpicks.

“Hey, best friend.” The clown drawled, the languid smile on his face completely incongruous with the bloodthirsty look in his eyes. He seemed completely focused on Iron Knight, who had backed away a few paces from the crate’s remains. Dave realized he must not know he was there, and he took advantage of that fact to watch the two of them carefully. The clown wasn’t as outwardly inhuman as Iron Knight, the oddest parts of his appearance being the smeared clown makeup disguising a group of nasty scars on his face and the fact that he was as tall as Iron Knight, but Dave had seen him in action before. He knew those lanky limbs hid a terrifying amount of strength and speed, and he could take a fucking beating. 

“Gamzee,” Iron Knight said shakily, putting up his hands. The fuck, did he know him? “I’m not here to hurt you.” The clown - Gamzee? - narrowed his eyes and didn’t say anything. “I just want to talk.”

“YOU DONE ENOUGH FUCKING TALKING.” Gamzee yelled, swinging his clubs again, and Iron Knight only barely ducked out of the way in time. “I’m motherfucking done listening.”

“This isn’t you! I’m  _ worried  _ about you, asshole!” Iron Knight insisted, growing shrill with panic. Gamzee made a noise akin to a growl.

“THIS IS THE MOST ME I’VE EVER BEEN.” Gamzee shouted. Jesus, what was up with his volume control. “Ain’t that dumb motherfucker you knew no more. I’M FINALLY EXACTLY WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.”

With that yell, he swung his club again, and Dave had a fraction of a second to realize Iron Knight had nowhere else to back away and drop a double just close enough to grab Gamzee’s arm. He yanked Gamzee’s arm away, and the clown stepped back in surprise. Dave put himself between Gamzee and Iron Knight, batons at the ready, and Gamzee let out a laugh that sounded more like a honk.

“No motherfucking way. LITTLE FUCKING RED?”

Dave failed to resist the urge to make a face. “What the fuck kind of nickname is that? I mean, I get the suit’s red, but c’mon dude, get more creative.”

“You ain’t in no right to be at telling me what to do.” Gamzee’s voice was a low growl, humor gone. Dave shrugged, attempting to give off an air of confidence to disguise the fact that the big honking asshole scared the  _ shit  _ out of him.

“I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just making a casual suggestion. Just like I’m about to suggest you maybe don’t kill my friend here.” He said, jerking his head at Iron Knight behind him. “I mean, I’m getting the impression y’all have some kinda messy history, but I could direct you to some good mediators or therapists or something so you don’t have to solve this with violence.” Gamzee growled and his weight shifted minutely. Dave suddenly understood what it was like to face down an angry bull. “Alright, I’ll take that as a no.”

Gamzee lunged and swung for him, but he and Iron Knight were prepared for it this time. Dave ducked at just the right moment, giving Iron Knight’s sickle the opportunity to hook around the club and knock it off course. Before Gamzee could react fully, Dave shoved his full weight into the clown’s stomach, pushing him backwards.

Together, they managed to force Gamzee up the stairs leading to an overhang overlooking the main floor. For a second, Dave thought they might be winning, despite neither of them having landed a hit that seemed to do any damage. But Gamzee was too fast for either of them. Iron Knight managed to finally really hurt him, the blade of his sickle reopening one of the deep scars and causing blood to leak into the clown’s eyes. Gamzee howled in pain, and it seemed a switch had been flipped. Dave didn’t have any time to intervene before Gamzee’s club smashed into the side of Iron Knight’s head with a sickening crack, sending him flying into the wall.

_ “No!”  _ Dave shouted, launching himself at Gamzee. He surrounded him in doubles, trying to overwhelm him, and he sent one to where Iron Knight was a crumpled heap.

“Are you okay? Shit, of course you’re not okay, oh my god, he probably cracked your skull, oh fuck-” Dave frantically reached for Iron Knight’s head to examine the wound, but a strong gray hand wrapped around his wrist and stopped him.

“I’m fine.” Iron Knight’s voice was a pained growl, but he did seem to be less dead than Dave expected. “Shouldn’t you be focusing on the braindead circus freak?”

“They can handle him on autopilot,” He said, referring to his doubles, “It doesn’t take too much brainpower to fight him. I think he’s getting sl-” He was cut off by a sharp pain in the center of his chest as a solid hit from one of Gamzee’s clubs sent him flying back down the stairs. The pain was refracted and magnified through all the doubles, and in a panicked, instinctive attempt to reduce the pain, he got rid of all the doubles except the one that had been hit. He landed at the base of the stairs, disoriented.

Gamzee didn’t slow down. He didn’t give Dave a second to recover, landing another hit on his shoulder before he could try to fight back, and then another on his hip, cracking something. As a foot smashed down on his shin, Dave couldn’t help but feel like he was on a rooftop again, fighting a dude much bigger than him in a strife he can’t win. Dave put up his functioning arm in a weak attempt to defend himself, but the blow he expected didn’t come.

Instead, there was a roar of fury followed by a startled honk. Dave tried to catch what was happening, but Gamzee was no longer in his line of sight, and it hurt too much to sit up. From the sound of it, Iron Knight had recovered enough to really give him a beating. He must have been holding back earlier because those pained noises certainly didn’t sound like Iron Knight’s. Dave closed his eyes tightly and did his best not to black out from pain.

“Photocopy!” A raspy shout roused him, and he opened his eyes to find Iron Knight’s face above his, panicked and with blood clumped in his hair, but otherwise fine.

“Hey dude,” Dave managed to say, “What the fuck just happened?”

Iron Knight growled in frustration. “The asshole ran off, probably to lick his wounds. There was a fucking car waiting for him and everything, I don’t think he’s working alone…” He trailed off and refocused his panic on Dave. “Are you okay?”

“Imma be real,” Dave said, voice weak as he tried to breath through ribs that were bruised if not fully broken, “That clown did a number on me.”

“Yeah, no shit. You look like a mess.” The words were not nearly as insulting when surrounded by such a worried tone. “Can you stand?”

“I can try.” Dave pulled himself up on Iron Knight’s proffered hand, then cried out when his leg gave out underneath him. “Fuck! Yeah, that’s definitely broken.”

“Shit.” Iron Knight muttered, supporting Dave’s full weight.

“Shit is right.”

“I can carry you to the hospital-”

“Oh, yeah, great idea, then you can explain to the doctor that the reason I look like I’ve been pushed down the stairs and pummeled by a pair of juggling clubs is because I  _ was _ pushed down the stairs and pummeled by a pair of juggling clubs, but it’s totally cool, don’t worry about it and definitely don’t ask questions about why I was in that situation in the first place-”

“Alright, wiseass, then what the fuck do you suggest we do?”

Dave leaned against Iron Knight, testing his weight again and hissing in pain. There was  _ one  _ option, but if it went south, he’d have way bigger problems than clown-induced broken bones… “I think I know a place. I can trust you, right?”

Iron Knight immediately looked suspicious. “You better not suggest what I think you’re going to suggest.”

“Can I trust you?” Dave repeated, firmer this time. Iron Knight’s face softened just a fraction.

“Of fucking course you can trust me, shit for brains.”

“Cool. Now get me on your shoulders and I’ll give you directions.”

It didn’t take long for them to arrive on Dirk’s doorstep. Dave guessed Iron Knight’s slightly inhuman level of strength helped his stamina - or maybe Dave’s skinny ass wasn’t too hard to carry. They entered a residential area before they knew it, and Iron Knight started swearing profusely the moment he noticed.

“Unbe-fucking-lievable. Is this your fucking house? Did you get so fucking brain damaged that you gave me directions to your  _ actual house where you sleep?!” _

“It’s not my house.” Dave said evasively. He patted Iron Knight’s shoulder. “Lemme down, I gotta get us in.”

Iron Knight gently set him down, still fuming on his behalf and supporting most of his weight. Dave looked at the camera hidden above the doorbell.

“Hal,” His voice broke on the word, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “Hal, let us in. I don’t have my keys, you gotta unlock the door.” He waited a moment, then groaned. “Seriously dude, you’re just gonna let your brother rot on the doorstep? You know it’s me, come on.”

The lock clicked and Dave pushed open the door, limping in with Iron Knight’s help.

It’s not you I’m worried about.  Hal’s tinny voice came in through the speakers in the ceiling. Iron Knight jolted at the sudden sound, but Dave ignored him.  Though I suppose I should be worried since you look like shit.

“Thanks for the support, bro, I really appreciate it.” Dave rolled his eyes and winced when another spike of pain went through his leg. “Anybody home?”

They’re coming upstairs now. They’re going to kill you, you know.

“Oh, I know.” The moment Dave said that, Dirk and Roxy appeared around the bend of the hallway in a rush.

“Oh my god!” Roxy cried out, clearly panicked. Beside her, Dirk was wearing a certain flavor of stony on his face that Dave recognized as him being particularly pissed. “Are you okay?!”

“I’ve been better.” Dave tried a weak smile despite knowing she couldn’t see it behind the mask. She ran forward and there was a moment of hesitation between her and Iron Knight as they both regarded each other with distrust. Roxy’s intimidation seemed to win out -  _ fuck,  _ she could look scary when she wanted to - because Iron Knight relinquished him to Roxy. She immediately started pulling Dave down the hall to the bathroom and Iron Knight tried to follow, but Dirk stepped between them, cutting him off.

“Sorry.” He said in a way that wasn’t particularly apologetic. “You and I need to talk.”

Roxy dropped Dave on the toilet lid and closed the door behind her in one clean motion. She rummaged around in the cabinet for their first aid kit with one hand and pulled out her phone with the other. “Hal,” She said, bringing the AI’s attention to them. His mics wouldn’t pick up anything in the bathrooms or bedrooms - for privacy’s sake - unless he was addressed first, useful in emergencies like this. “Can you link my phone to the hallway cameras and speakers? I wanna know what they’re doing out there.”

The feed immediately popped up on Roxy’s screen, giving them both a view of Iron Knight and Dirk’s stand-off. Iron Knight was significantly bigger than Dirk, but it was clear he wasn’t stupid enough to try to push past him. Dave and Roxy listened attentively while Roxy helped him pull off his mask and the top part of his suit.

“Let’s start with the easy stuff. Who are you?” Dirk’s arms were crossed and every inch of him read tension _ . _

“Iron Knight.” The gray super crossed his arms as well, though the motion seemed much more defensive than Dirk’s stance. “Photocopy and I have been working together.”

Is this true?  That was to the pair in the bathroom.

“Yeah.” Dave winced as Roxy dabbed ointment on one of his scrapes. “He’s been reliable. I wouldn’t have brought him here if I didn’t trust him.”

Hal didn’t respond, but they knew he was relaying the confirmation through Dirk’s earpiece. If Dirk reacted, they couldn’t see it.

“What happened to Photocopy?”

“We were fighting- well, he calls himself the Mirthful Messiah, but-”

“Murderclown?”

“Murderclown.”

“Shit, Davey, you weren’t supposed to actually fight him!” Roxy admonished, wrapping a bandage around one of his deeper scrapes.

“We didn’t expect him to get the drop on us!” Dave protested. “We thought we had it handled.”

Roxy gave him a look, and he wilted. On the phone, Dirk was still talking.

“Look, I’m sure Photocopy trusts you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have brought you here. But, as much as I respect his judgment, he’s a little  _ too _ trusting.” Dave resisted the urge to pout. “You can’t blame me for not wanting a random super in my house.”

“Look, I don’t fucking blame you!” Iron Knight put his hands up in defense. “I think this was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen him do, and he’s done some stupid shit!”

“Yeah, well, I can’t just take it on good faith that you’re not putting on an act. It wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for you to double cross us - to double cross Photocopy. So let me make myself clear: if you try  _ anything _ \- if you try to attack us with our guard down, if you case the joint, if you so much as step a  _ toenail  _ out of line, I will not hesitate to end you where you stand. Photocopy isn’t the only one here that’s used to fighting people bigger than him.”

“I get it, you’re freaking out because I’ve got information on his secret identity now. Trust me, I would’ve  _ happily  _ gone forever without knowing a  _ damn thing  _ about his personal life.” Displeasure was written on Iron Knight’s whole face. “Look, should I just- I’m going to even the playing field, even though this fucking sucks.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Dirk asked. Iron Knight just made a face and brown started filling in his complexion. Dave had known he was shapeshifter - how else would he have been able to have a secret identity? - but he was not prepared for the face he saw as Iron Knight shrank down to five feet, six inches of chubby and familiar.

_ “Karkat?!”  _ Dave’s surprised shout was apparently loud enough to hear from the hallway because both of their heads immediately jerked in the bathroom’s direction. Dave pushed past Roxy and her protests to support himself on the counter and then the doorframe when he opened the door. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Iron Knight -  _ Karkat  _ \- said flatly. Dave laughed in disbelief. 

“Holy shit. Holy  _ shit,  _ Karkat!”

Dirk’s mouth twitched in what could be a smile or could be a frown - or, more likely, could be him trying not to pop a blood vessel. “You two know each other.” He sounded resigned.

“Yeah! We’ve been hanging out for months now!” Dave’s jaw fell slack as the realization hit him. “Holy shit. The bank. I told you to get everyone outside.”

“And I came back in to help because you were going to get your stupid ass shot, yes, great deduction, Einstein.” Karkat rolled his eyes, but it was clear some of the tension was draining from his shoulders. 

“Hey, don’t give me that, you didn’t figure out my shit either.” Dave countered, and Karkat had the self awareness to look sheepish. Dave tried to step closer before he remembered he couldn’t support his own weight, collapsing against the doorway again. Both Karkat and Dirk instinctively moved forward to help, but it was Roxy who pulled him back into the bathroom. 

“Alright, dummy, I’m calling Jane.” She said, sitting him on the toilet again. Dave winced.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

Both Dirk and Karkat appeared in the doorway, looking concerned.

“Are you alright?” Karkat asked. Dirk looked annoyed that he’d managed to ask it first. Dave gave them both the tiniest of smiles. 

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Jane’ll hop over on one of those fuckin’ private jets of Jake’s and then it’ll be like I never got hurt in the first place.”

“It’ll be a few hours before they get here, tho,  _ so,”  _ Roxy pulled out some painkillers and rattled them in Dave’s face. He took them without complaint and sat back with an exhausted sigh. 

“Rox, can you carry him to his room?” Dirk said, ignoring his brother’s whines about being carried and turning to face Karkat. “You and I aren’t done.”

“Yeah, I fucking guessed as much.” Karkat rolled his eyes. He seemed much more relaxed now that the chance of getting filleted for walking through their doorway seemed lower. “Dave mentioned something about his brother being a hardass.”

Dave snickered and Dirk’s mouth twitched again. “Hysterical. Come on, I’m not done interrogating you.”

Dirk escorted Karkat to the other side of the house, and Roxy helped Dave hobble to bed. Dave wasn’t exempt from an interrogation either, though it felt more like a typical debriefing with Roxy sitting cross legged next to him and sharing snacks - except he didn’t typically have to avoid using his dominant arm in most debriefings. Hal cross-checked his story with Karkat’s as he told it and when they lined up, Dave was finally given a moment to relax. He laid his head back on his pillows as Roxy left him to “get some rest bby,” but he only had a minute of solitude before there was a soft knock on his door.

“Yeah?” He said, and Karkat pokes his head in through the door.

“Hey. Can I…?”

“Shit, yeah, come on in.”

Karkat shuffled over to the bed and sat down on the side. Dave scooted over a little bit, gesturing for him to lay down.

“Your family is exhausting.” Karkat said once he’d made himself comfortable. “I’m pretty sure if he could kill someone with his brain, Dirk would’ve killed me forty times by now.”

“Oh, he could definitely kill you. I think he likes you since you’re not dead yet.” Dave teased. Karkat snorted.

“Gee, what an honor. And what’s her name-”

“Roxy.”

“Yeah, her. She cornered me as soon as I walked out of the room and looked all friendly and cheerful as she threatened to break all my bones if I hurt you.” Karkat shuddered. “You’d think I was getting the shovel talk.”

“Hey, you’re not out of the water yet. I guarantee Hal got permission to monitor every room you’re in.”

Can you blame me for wanting to look out for my little brother?  The way Karkat jumped in surprise was never going to get old. 

“Hal, you’re like  _ eight.” _

Do you really want to get into the semantics of an AI’s age right now? For the record, Karkat, you’re definitely getting the shovel talk. If I had hands, I’d be wielding the shovel myself. Unfortunately, I’ll just have to make do with the promise that I can and will track down every scrap of information on you and find a way to make your life hell if you fuck up. So, you know. Don’t fuck up.

“Seriously, is everyone in your life a fucking lunatic?” Karkat shivered.

“Man, you’ve haven’t even met  _ Rose  _ yet.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“Nah, you probably don’t.” Dave reached down for Karkat’s hand with his uninjured one. “Hal, can you give us some privacy?”

I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

“Haha, you’re a fucking riot.” Dave said flatly. “Seriously, I’ll yell if I need you, I promise. Just go back to your normal setting for my room.”

There was a pause, then  Fine. Don’t blame me when Dirk’s pissed.

“...Is he gone?” Karkat asked.

“Yeah. He won’t spy.” Dave scooted closer and laced their fingers together. Karkat looked down at their hands, then up at Dave’s face. He rolled over to face him and squeezed his hand. “...Hey.” Dave finally said after a few long seconds of silence.

“Hey.” Karkat mumbled, voice rough even when quiet. His eyes traced Dave’s face and he frowned. “Did you always have red eyes or did Gamzee break a blood vessel in there?”

“Oh, shit, yeah, I don’t have my contacts in. Yeah, I’ve just got red eyes, dude. Side effect of the powers and shit.”

“So that shit about the light sensitivity…” 

“I mean, that was the truth. I just also have had red eyes ever since I got my powers.” He started to shrug, then thought better of it. Karkat must have caught his minute wince because he immediately looked guilt-stricken.

“Fuck, I can’t believe he did that to you. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Dude, without you, he probably would’ve killed me. You don’t have shit to apologize for.” The guilt didn’t leave Karkat’s face. “You  _ do  _ have shit to explain, though. Do you know him or something?”

Karkat sighed and looked down at Dave’s blanket. “...You know the friend I was visiting?”

“No fucking way. Do I  _ wanna  _ know why you came all the way down to visit the Murderclown?”

Karkat seemed to try to growl before realizing he couldn’t in this form and resigning himself to just sticking out his tongue. “I was hoping he  _ wasn’t  _ a Murderclown. At least, not anymore.”

“...Yeah, you’re not getting out of telling me your story this time. Spill.”

Karkat let out a resigned sigh. “Fine. It’s a long story though, so just shut up and listen.”

“I’m listening.”

“There were twelve of us. Mutants. We all had these weird fucking powers. One girl could talk to the dead, one could do fucking  _ mind control, _ a bunch of us were super strong, whatever. We were all just hiding under the radar, trying not to get found and fucking  _ experimented  _ on. And we were… we were  _ fine.  _ We had some interpersonal drama, but who the fuck doesn’t. And then shit hit the fan.”

“Is this the falling out you mentioned?”

“Yeah, except that was a fucking understatement. People  _ died.  _ I’m pretty sure normal friend groups don’t fucking  _ kill  _ each other, but hey, I guess we’re pretty goddamn abnormal!”

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, it’s a monstrous fucking train wreck and I’m going to be haunted by it forever, but it’s not like you had any shit to do with it.”

“I’m guessing Gamzee was a big part of it…?”

“Some of it, yeah. We’ve got people looking for the others. I just got put on clown duty because…” Karkat sounded so  _ defeated.  _ “He really was my best friend.” He looked back up at Dave. “This isn’t fucking like him. The Gamzee I know was  _ sweet _ , even to people who were assholes to him, like me. He’d never do this. Something else is involved.”

“I believe you.” Dave said, earnest. It was hard not to believe Karkat when he looked so damn miserable. “And once Jane puts my bones back in the right place, I’ll help you figure out what the hell is going on, I promise.”

“No, I already put you in enough danger.” Karkat said firmly. “Gamzee is  _ my  _ responsibility. I can handle him.”

“Yeah, but he’s wrecking shit in  _ my  _ city, so he’s my responsibility too. You don’t have to do this alone, dickweed.”

“...You’re not going to listen to me even if I say no, are you.”

“Nope.” Dave said. “Strilondes are notoriously stubborn. Just wait till I get Roxy in on this, she’ll eat it up.”

Karkat groaned dramatically and buried his face in Dave’s pillow. Dave snorted and kissed his cheek before he could stop himself. They both froze as soon as they realized what he’d just done, looking like twin deers in twin headlights. Then Karkat sat up and kissed Dave properly - not the hesitant peck goodbye outside the hotel, but a full-on tender, chaste kiss. Dave sighed happily against his lips and kissed back, untangling their fingers to thread his hand through Karkat’s thick hair.

When Karkat finally laid back down, it was right next to Dave, their foreheads brushing together. Dave smiled a little, then made a face. “Dude, you’re  _ right  _ on top of my arm. That’s the only working one I got left, come on.”

“Fucking deal with it.” Karkat grumbled, moving off of his arm anyway. “You know, if you get hurt like this on a regular basis, I’m going to have an aneurysm worrying about you.”

“Well I guess you just have to be there to make sure I don’t get hurt.” Dave challenged with a playful smirk. Karkat groaned like it was some great sacrifice, but he was clearly fighting a smile.

Maybe it was the painkillers finally helping him ignore the pain in his everywhere, but Dave couldn’t help but feel pretty goddamn happy. Yeah, he had a multiple broken bones to deal with and there was a clown on the loose, but he had scored a good-looking mutant that seemed to like kissing him. That counted as a win in Dave’s books.

Crimefighting on his days off paid the fuck off.

**Author's Note:**

> I beg you all to come talk to me on tumblr @waitineedaname about this au bc I have. SO MUCH. I'm completely incapable of coming up with an au without coming up with stuff for Everybody, so feel free to ask all you want, I love talking about it


End file.
